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  • RomanJoe
    started a topic I've lost someone and I'm grieving

    I've lost someone and I'm grieving

    Any tips for handling grief? I feel very foggy-headed, like I'm stuck between two realities--what was and what is. It feels like I have anxiety but I don't know what I'm anxious about. I'm not eating much and I can't focus, especially when it comes to reading. I realize that they are gone, but I'm still haunted by memories and each flashing memory is a reminder of the absence I feel.

  • Atno
    replied
    I'll pray for you, the deceased and his family. I hope it all gets better. It's hard, but it will get better. Do not isolate yourself, get close to people you love, if possible. God bless.

    Leave a comment:


  • Bill McEnaney
    replied
    RomanJoe, please try to spend plenty of time with the people you love most, partly because you may hurt even more deeply if you isolate yourself. It's okay to mourn as long as you need to, so don't let anyone tell anyone tell you to "get over it."

    Talk to the soul of the hone you've lost. In 2012, I was visiting my favorite priest in a nursing home about four hours before he passed at about midnight on New Year's Eve. So he left us in 2013.

    A few days later, I cried because someone sent a group email to tell me and others that only Father's relatives could go to the wake and the cemetery. So after I dried my eyes, I said, "Buddy boy, if you want me to be there, you'll heed to arrange it because we're not related." At about 1:00 the next morning, a friend sent an email to offer me a ride to the wake, to the cemetery, and to the luncheon after the burial. During the luncheon, I thank Father's healthcare proxy for making an exception because I'm not a part of Father's family. So while the proxy looked me and at the others at our table, he said, "This is his family."

    If you've lost someone who died in friendship with God, he or she still loves you and can still hear you.

    Leave a comment:


  • RomanJoe
    replied
    Thank you Bambidar. Your words means so much to me and I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I keep on lamenting the absence of the one I lost and rarely giving thought to the gift that was his life. The very fact that he was given existence is miraculous.

    Leave a comment:


  • Bamidbar 22
    replied
    Blessed is the True Judge. May their soul be bound in the bonds of Eternity. The L-rd gives and the L-rd takes away. Blessed is The Name of the L-rd.

    I shoot for a state of mind where my reaction to loss becomes gratitude they were ever there in the first place. After not existing forever one day you're HERE and everything is a gift you weren't owed. Everything is an act of chesed, lovingkindness from G-d. Everything. Including what you had but no longer do.

    "The immaterial infinite One chose to create a finite world. If the divine had chosen not to create, we would not be here to rail against the problems of finite existence, but neither would we be able to enjoy its benefits. Thus if we wish to enjoy the splendors of existence, we must come to terms with its limitations. Anything that is not God is finite; finitude entails privation or lack. We as physical, material creatures lack some of the perfections of the divine. Because we are finite, we will die; because we are finite, we are subject to physical and emotional suffering and deprivation. But we should not therefore deny all the good in existence, simply because a good existence also entails evil and suffering. Would the absence of a world be a better solution? God could have enjoyed eternal unchanging perfection forever. Instead, God chose to share some of God’’s goodness——to overflow or emanate being without any loss. The absolute being shares existence; this act of endowing us with being is the greatest good." Maimonides on Ontological Beauty


    Originally posted by RomanJoe
    each flashing memory is a reminder of the absence I feel.
    My younger brother died from something awful at 27. Art can be a tremendous consolation. It can be purgative and transformative in the sense that Nietzsche and his Greek heroes believed. This passage opened doors to what I was already experiencing with omnipresent memories. When Marcel returns to Balbec he's overwhelmed with grief for his grandmother for the first time. He sees the wall that once separated them, where they tapped messages to one another, and realizes what he's lost.

    Originally posted by Marcel Proust
    But I could not bear to have before my eyes those waves of the sea which my grandmother could formerly contemplate for hours on end; the fresh image of their heedless beauty was at once supplemented by the thought that she did not see them; I should have liked to stop my ears against their sound, for now the luminous plenitude of the beach carved out an emptiness in my heart; everything seemed to be saying to me, like those paths and lawns of a public garden in which I had once lost her, long ago, when I was still a child: “We have not seen her,” and beneath the hemisphere of the pale vault of heaven I felt myself crushed as though beneath a huge bell of bluish glass, enclosing an horizon within which my grandmother was not. To escape from the sight of it, I turned to the wall, but alas what was now facing me was that partition which used to serve us as a morning messenger, that partition which, as responsive as a violin in rendering every fine shade of sentiment, reported so exactly to my grandmother my fear at once of waking her and, if she were already awake, of not being heard by her and so of her not coming, then immediately, like a second instrument taking up the melody, informed me that she was coming and bade me be calm. I dared not put out my hand to that wall, any more than to a piano on which my grandmother had played and which still throbbed from her touch. I knew that I might knock now, even louder, that I should hear no response, that my grandmother would never come again. And I asked nothing better of God, if a Paradise exists, than to be able, there, to knock upon that wall the three little raps which my grandmother would know among a thousand, and to which she would reply with those other raps which said: “Don’t be alarmed, little mouse, I know you are impatient, but I am just coming,” and that He would let me remain with her throughout eternity which would not be too long for us. In Search of Lost Time
    Was grief ever more perfectly expressed? That cuts so close to the bone. It's not a consolation but a more primal encounter with what I already felt. Much of what constitutes great art is like this.

    The practical bottom line. Grief is cured by time. Avoid binge-drinking. Episodes of fury are not uncommon. Try to remember gratitude. After not existing forever one day you're HERE and everything is a gift you weren't owed. Everything is an act of chesed, lovingkindness from G-d. Everything. Including what you had but no longer do. Gratitude for what you've lost is an attainable and noble goal.

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  • RomanJoe
    replied
    Originally posted by John West View Post
    I have no idea whether HuffPost is a good paper, but I find the advice here pretty spot on. In line with 9, force yourself to eat. You (probably) can't force yourself to sleep, but eating is something most can do more or less at will. Your mood will only get worse if you don't eat.
    That is good practical advice. I am just (and I know it sounds strange) forgetting to eat. The other day I only had one cookie and a sandwich. I never recall feeling hungry. I don't know. I'm in a fog and time moves slow and fast at times. The emotional pain is suffocating at times.

    Leave a comment:


  • John West
    replied
    I have no idea whether HuffPost is a good paper, but I find the advice here pretty spot on. In line with 9, force yourself to eat. You (probably) can't force yourself to sleep, but eating is something most can do more or less at will. Your mood will only get worse if you don't eat.

    Leave a comment:


  • RomanJoe
    replied
    Originally posted by Calhoun View Post
    So sad to hear that. Not sure I can really say anything to remove your badfeelings, I have only my condolences to offer.
    What I think in times like that is about how death is a reality and how we should be accepting it. I think the sorrow in case like this is due to all the valuable memories that were created by someone's presence, the only real thing that can be done is to create more with those that are still here. Perhaps you should try spending good times with those you value.
    I'm torn between my desire to escape this withering feeling of grief and my desire to drift into old memories and relive the past. You're right, the sorrow comes from reflecting on past memories, and this reflection is prompted by a realization that those have come to an end--no more memories can be made, only old ones can be cherished. But why do these memories have to be associated with this feeling of emptiness? That's something I've been pondering on. I don't know if I should be analyzing my grief, perhaps I just need to give in to it thoughtlessly.

    Leave a comment:


  • Calhoun
    replied
    So sad to hear that. Not sure I can really say anything to remove your badfeelings, I have only my condolences to offer.
    What I think in times like that is about how death is a reality and how we should be accepting it. I think the sorrow in case like this is due to all the valuable memories that were created by someone's presence, the only real thing that can be done is to create more with those that are still here. Perhaps you should try spending good times with those you value.

    Leave a comment:


  • RomanJoe
    replied
    Thank you. That's what I keep hearing, that time is the only real remedy.

    Leave a comment:


  • ClassicalLiberal.Theist
    replied
    I'm so sorry to hear that.

    The only advice I could give, is to keep yourself busy. At least for me, it was the only way I could escape my thoughts and emotions. Eventually the sadness will calm.

    Leave a comment:


  • Ouros
    replied
    My sincere condolences.

    I would say that time is probably the most helpful, sadly. There will be a time when memories won't hurt anymore, but they will bring you a mixture of melancholy and happiness.
    Talk about it with your relatives, and don't run away from sadness.

    Leave a comment:

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